Family trees: part 2

Prior to our change in custody our teenage son lived with his dad’s family for several years in another state. He had begun exploring the negative lifestyle choices that we’ve battled as a family. He’s such got such amazing potential to achieve his goals and is an athletic kid, whose unfortunately seen the effects of those consequences limit his participation in activities, like sports for example.

As with others of this generation he’s subject to so many temptations difficult to avoid when there’s little support and a lack of consistent discipline. Since he’s adjusting to those changes of structure we’re attempting to provide, we’ve all had to learn from mistakes and that taste of the “fun, fast life” he’s already been exposed! We’ve realized as parents that those behaviors are directly related to the rest of his life and we’ve been terrified of what could happen if we don’t make long-lasting changes quickly.

The recent problem that I battled was knowing when to be authoritative or supportive to my partner leading that authority.

I’ve been a licensed therapist working directly in concert with the legal system for years. There’s many ways that networking with the available community programs can be helpful for my clients. It’s so valuable to be able to find out what the results of a urinalysis is as I’m providing therapy to a client in drug court is just a single example.

I’m now experiencing the other side of the system I’ve worked in for many years. I’ve recently moved from a therapist to a parent, then daily I have to switch back to my professional role. I’d imagine it would be like a teacher finding themselves in conferences or tutoring for their own kids at home. I’m going to different courthouses in two counties sometimes in the same week… it’s bizarre to say the least.

The love and compassion my husband has for his kids is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen. It’s extremely tricky to always complement his parenting style because he has some difficulty providing tough love. I know that I have difficulty with this too! I’ve even caught myself changing my attitude with our son between the initial behavior and then after his consequences involved him in the juvenile adjudication process! Knowing how crucial that resource is for parents struggling with behavioral issues as a therapist then watching my family be devastated by the same involvement really tested my beliefs!

I even shocked myself when I was the one going to meetings with professionals while being supported by his school personnel. Or crying at an office or driving alone questioning my own parenting choices. It’s complex but again – very rewarding – just like being a therapist-both circumstances teaching me as a mom and a professional.

The two different areas of my life that give me the greatest joy and can cause overwhelming pain are the ones that I use both similar philosophies of love, support, firm boundaries and have to separate myself from the choices of others to promote growth and eventually witness CHANGE.

How is that for a dual purpose in life? Any others see the same parallels between their career and personal life?

“Boutique-ing”?

I realized today that I’m a total sucker for a boutique. The nice thing about traveling to different areas in my career, I (technically) have the freedom to stop and do a little shopping if I have the time. Or in today’s case, to actually kill a little time while waiting on a client.

I’m wondering if every other woman has a natural instinct to visit each locally owned boutique they see. I’ve had a new interest in “mom” gear in the past few years so these boutiques have peaked my fascination with stylish clothing and also decor related to my home state. Oklahoma is known for our Native American population and the items that have that special style is always noticed in my family. Today I found a lot of great stuff teaching me that in the last place you’d expect, you can satisfy your strange mid-30s need for pretty, hippy style mommy goodies. It might just be that hole in the wall downtown that has been transformed into “southern momma” heaven! 😘

Anyone else into this world of cute novelty’s like me?

💘

I’d love to show off my newest stash and see if anyone is interested too!

Family trees: part 1

We’ve had a very emotional day, week, month…

And I decided to write a series to help myself process the experience.

I talked about the situation with our 14 year old son’s custody in an earlier blog but had been unwilling to give too much detail. I’m still not comfortable giving all of the details because he’s a minor and until he is 18, I want to protect his privacy as much as I possibly can.

As you know, every story has different perspectives, and I would never attempt to tell anyone else’s past-only my perspective of what I’ve seen and experienced. There are multiple people in a family and individuals can be hurt if someone carelessly discusses an experience that they see as inaccurate. I’m not interested in using my blog (that I open my heart to share with others), as a way to gossip. So if anyone has come across this & happens to disagree with my writing, or is under the impression that I have to limit my blog based on your specific agenda – I hope I’ve made my intentions very clear – Or feel free to read another blog instead.

My son has made some mistakes and the most recent one has affected me.

He’s a great kid. Charismatic, confident, funny, loving, hopeful, optimistic and very caring. He is especially considerate of his family. I’ve seen him grow and start to mature in some ways, going from easily punching a wall to now being capable of managing his anger, communicating his feelings and articulating ideas-even about his future goals or others’ needs! He’s got a long road to travel but it’s been a very special journey for me to watch him make some steps in the right direction.

When he first came to live with us, he had no interest in holding a baby, nor did he seem to know how to respond to his baby brother. He was very guarded-which was expected, knowing his history. The closer he got to his brother, the broader the changes became.

I’ve learned more than I could begin to describe as my role changed over our time together. I had very minimal expectations for the relationship between us and tried to be honest with myself throughout our time spent as a family. I’ve come to realize just how much I have learned about myself as a wife, mother and the unique position I have as a caregiver.

It took time to build a bond between all of us but the nice part for all three of the males in my home is that they’re connected by blood. There is a natural fluidity between them. I’m the “odd man out” as you’d say, and by the grace of God connected to just my toddler. If anyone could’ve told me that just before my child’s third birthday I would look at his brother and see him as my son too, I’d have had trouble believing in that possibility.

Here we are, all together, but missing a piece of our hearts. Yes, there is yet another brother out in the world as well. (As I said from the moment he was mentioned, BD has a “complicated past” and along with that comes a fruitful life for a man not even 40 yet!)

I know that I have a responsibility to my toddler. No matter my feelings about my spouse’s past, his choices in former companions or how many wonderful young humans were created, my little boy is my greatest gift. My world-my absolute everything. He will never be able to understand what he means to me. But I will show him how important it is for me to accept his siblings and do my hardest to encourage their deep connection the best way I can. I have an obligation to my son to embrace his family tree! There’s no greater bond than that of family, especially siblings! I’m an only child with many strained relationships in my extended family. I truly value the acceptance I’ve been given as a stepmom to the children that have my son’s last name and the bright blue eyes that we happen to share.

Soon after meeting my other half several years ago, I knew he was going to be given the chance to right his wrongs. I have always had faith that others would be able to see him as the father I saw. Maybe I would have to push, maybe I’d need to step back, some days just be there with him, on his team and when I knew what to do, I’d trust my instinct.

So that’s what we’ve been doing. I’m sure some would give us an F based on our son’s choices but he is a kid. Not too different than others-even his dad at that age. But the difference is that we will not give up on him this time. Or ever. And I have a hunch that he feels that.

Mixed feelings 💕

Have you ever been so irritated with your kids you think you’re going to lose your mind, then almost minutes after they’re asleep, you feel guilt and miss them/wish they were awake? I swear this feeling makes me seriously think I’m nuts as it’s happening.

Today something rare happened: BD took our toddler to Lowe’s. He never takes him on his own (it’s usually all of us) so I knew had a valuable opportunity. I had put off tons of chores all week and really let my house tasks pile up, so I faced the music and started the cleaning process. As I picked up motivation, speed and probably stamina I didn’t realize I had, BD asked if I wanted to take our son to the carnival in town.

I was in the middle of mopping the kitchen with all the chairs piled high in the living room and stacks of bedding around to wash. (I was knee-deep and if I took a break the house would look worse than when I started) so I said the words, “nah I’m all sweaty-it would take me longer than a few minutes to shower but you guys go and have fun” – half lying, since I could’ve gotten things in order enough to jump in the shower, brush my hair/teeth and throw on clothes in 15 or so, but I really wanted to see my house’s surfaces ALL clean so I continued.

I stopped several times, started loosing momentum and became distracted because I was miserable. I was missing those moments of watching my son’s little face light up with new experiences! I wondered if he was sad and didn’t know where mommy is? I couldn’t focus on a single task for long and kept sending texts… moving from one room to another, lost without them and overwhelmed with my sadness.

I found some motivation, finished rooms one by one, then decided I’d just show up and surprise my baby boy! I kept picturing his face if he saw momma walking up to him and how he’d feel if both his favorite people were there to watch him ride the kiddie rides (assuming this year he’d overcome his fear). I could NOT get ready fast enough!

Then I heard my garage door open, which is usually my sign that BD is home. In shock, I ran through the house, makeup in-hand and swung  the door open with a huge grin!!

I saw daddy first and could see the obvious irritability on his face – his sweaty, shiny and obviously sunburned forehead plus a frown under his sunglasses. I see him carrying a new fish tank with a goldfish, bag of cotton candy, the (diaper) backpack as he pulls our son from the car. I immediately notice the dirty tear-streaked cheeks and know how valuable the time they just spent together truly was.

Just as BD told me, don’t be sad – you do things with him, without me all the time (he works a lot of weekends) so I just carry on without him. I’d never really thought about how much he missed unless it was by choice.

I felt relieved and a little silly for being such a baby. Much like that feeling when they’re asleep and you’re missing them being up, but then they wake up, start to annoy you and you regret “accidentally” snuggling with them and waking them in the first place…

Moms, stop being so hard on yourself! Enjoy the moments you have and enjoy the time you don’t have with them, too! It’s actually okay to want both.

Poem that fits.

Part of me..

I was not sure about having you. Though he was..

I was going through a lot, yes he pampered me all along..

Missed my freedom and worried a lot, mom always stood by me like a rock.

Darling of my parents and love of his life,I got all help by my side

And then, one fine day , bored of dark may be..

You came.

Your arrival was smooth, to my surprise. Gosh, I just won the battle of my life.

Got a new title, I laughed at it, I felt short of the required skills.

Smiled along but scared inside, how am I going to keep you alright.?

Got you in my arms and hold you tight, had my first sleepless night.

Watching you sleep, you caught my eye, I am your mother my son and I will keep you alright.

A part of my heart was no longer mine, it skipped a beat whenever you cried .

First night with you changed my life,oh my dear I am no longer mine.

Two years and we grew along, you as my boy and I as a mother.

This phase ,my son is most precious, as I shall remember always and you will never.

As I play with you I make a call, I will love you my mumma till my fall.

Stepping into your shoes, I now know it all. Your well being is ma, all I want.

All definitions of love makes completes sense to me.

coz if this is not love then I am sure , it doesn’t exist.

Credit