Spiritual journey for the books.

My youngest (only biological) is going to turn three in July. He was the catalyst for a paradigm shift that I would have never dreamed I’d experience.

I was always a social drinker and known as a “party girl” (also considered feisty and I like to hope “fun”) among most of my peers. I have also been about 4’11” since my teen years. I’m sure you can imagine how many nicknames were common! “Firecracker, fun size, shorty, little chief” are just a few I remember off the top of my head.

I got in a struggle with myself on controlling my drinking. I went through a few rough times where drinking was my favorite friend to help me pull myself out of the conflict or stress I was currently battling. That form of self-medication pushed me further into a spiral that made me lose more of myself. I eventually woke up to a world of problems and realized I didn’t recognize myself.

I entered rehab on November 14, 2014.

The transformation of my mind, body and soul began! I surrendered to the experience because I was completely and utterly LOST.

On day five of detox I was called in to the nurse to answer questions about my health history, I’d assumed because I’d just done this a couple hours earlier.

The nurse asked me if I knew I was pregnant.

Ha!!

My actual response was to laugh and assume the nurse was confusing me with some other resident. I was definitely NOT anywhere near ready for a child!

The nurse gave me details of a standard test that was performed on my blood when I was admitted to treatment which showed the increased hormone level indicating I was indeed pregnant. As the idea started to sink in and I very carefully, with newfound sobriety processed this news – I felt such intense emotions that can only be described as a roller coaster over the next 25 days.

The most intense feeling I struggled to control during my early stage of sobriety was mind-numbingly – paralyzing fear. I’d believed for years I’d lost any ability to be a mother, maybe because of the mistakes I’d made, even the level of severity my addiction had reached. I, too had gone through a failed marriage two years prior to this unexpected moment. I was in complete shock that I could be given this gift. The ultimate gift–the gift of LIFE–when I was in the most vulnerable time of my own life. My mind was constantly questioning. Spinning! A time I was surrendering to admitting my addiction and on my knees in my darkest shame begging for help from God. If He exists…

How obnoxious! Of course he exists! He’s showing me that he is with me! He can help me through this. I’ve literally always been a social butterfly, never alone for long, and I find myself surrounded by complete strangers who don’t know me at ALL-as I’m going through the most terrifying experience of my life! Just imagine. Not only am I admitting I’ve lost control of everything in my life, I’ve realized that my soul has lost any sense of spiritual connection and now I’m newly open to learning how to find that growth or connection in my heart. As this is happening I’m now told that I’m WORTHY of being a mother! Something I was desperate to be for years, felt like I’d devastatingly failed or was unworthy to be, and probably one of those triggers for my addiction itself.

Now tell me this isn’t a clear message from God. In some ways, it was a dream come true. In other ways, all I could think about was the possible loss I could experience being so early in my pregnancy. It could potentially be the most devastating test of any sobriety I’d hoped to have. Fear is not even the best word to describe the anxiety I felt.

So again… if one has zero knowledge of a “spiritual awakening”, let me sum it up:

I’m on my knees, desperately begging to either be pulled from the darkness, or to be put out of my misery… yes, I’d contemplated suicide. Inside, I feel like I have to follow my instinct (something my mentor ALWAYS told me to do was follow my instinct because I had a natural instinct as a therapist) so I accept the help I’d reached out to get. I began this process of surrender, as a desperate, very sick and raw version of myself. And boom, I find out that I’m carrying life inside my womb.

The message I was interpreting was loud and clear. I was hearing “change your life from everything you’ve ever known; never, ever look back, then, welcome to motherhood, and no, this is real-believe it, in me”. -God

Now, is this a crazy idea for a naturally skeptical person to believe this is him?

You tell me…