Book addict

I’ve neglected my blog for a while lately because I’ve been reading religiously. I kept having ideas like I needed a Kindle or something instead of my iPad mini that my toddler has taken over as his own, then my sweet hubby has an even better idea.

He says, “babe, you’re buying books all the time when you can spend a little money on an upgrade and get a new iPad (you deserve it)”…. okay, I added the deserve it part. Still, what a great idea!

So, of course I did lots of research and decided on a new iPad, giving the credit where it was due! It was shipped in two days! I’m in love. It has been going to work with me, I’m doing paperwork on it and I’m planning on picking up a mini keyboard!

I looked for a specific book for two weeks recommended from a colleague/supervisee and downloaded it within seconds on my iPad. I finished it in five days. I actually only had time to read in the evening and my problem of not being able to read in bed because it woke up my hubby? No more. It changes the lighting in the dark so it’s only a black screen with dim white letters, no bright lights!

The book is called January First by Michael Schlofield. If you are interested in medicine, mental illness or you are one of my therapist followers-check this book out if you have a chance. It’s nothing short of amazing!

Blessings on blessings on blessings.

Remember when I was throwing around the idea of a new camera? I was on the verge of asking for a new DSLR Canon Rebel (which is not completely out of the question) for my birthday, coming this SUNDAY, by the way. I even considered buying it for myself from “my boys”.

I fell in love with the portrait setting on my phone last year and recently found out the newest iPhone has this setting for the front camera as well.

Self-Diagnosis of a Therapist

One day I decided I had Bipolar Disorder.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took me quite a bit of thinking and research to get to this conclusion.

I spent so much time considering this, that I literally convinced myself there was no way I couldn’t be suffering from this very serious disorder I’ve unfortunately had to diagnose others in my career.

I’d decided that I needed to be tested in an official capacity and probably most-likely medicated because I truly believed in this self-diagnosis.

Keep in mind, I’d read my DSM (“Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders IV TR” back then) from front to back during school and multiple times after I’d obtained my Master’s degree. I knew more than I was giving myself credit for at the time.

Here’s my secret about my diagnosis…

I was lying to myself. I was lying to my family and to my friends. I’d been able to half-convince myself, but the truth lurking underneath the surface was eating me alive.

My true diagnosis was a very ugly sounding one. It’s bizarre because Bipolar doesn’t sound too pretty! However, in my very sick brain, it somehow sounded better! (The brain is utterly powerful.) Plus, if I’m being completely honest, a therapist has a very serious responsibility. It’s an extremely humbling experience and difficult task to admit that my disorder was Alcohol Dependency then follow through with treatment, rather than accept a diagnosis that would fit all the symptoms of a less ‘behavioral’ problem.

So I kept lying to myself.

This – my friends, is called denial.

The craziest part is that I’ve found this dilemma in my professional career for those that I serve as well. It’s not a shock to those in this profession that one disorder can be disguised as another.

Addiction is a very manipulative disease.

Addicts are often manipulated by addiction and manipulate others in the process.

I know looking back, that I am a true addict and always will be considered an addict. The reason I know this now is that I finally reached my rock bottom, reached out for help, and then actually accepted the treatment. Most importantly, I followed through with treatment and saw the changes in myself and my life. Eventually I had changed so much that I was able to forgive myself for all the lying but it took a very long road to get there.

Knowing my track record of going back to my this casual idea of drinking wine when I’d get home from work, and justifying this as a normal behavior that millions of others also do, really created a self-defeating pattern that made it difficult to stand proud of myself, my internal confidence & dignity and even practice as an ethical licensed therapist.

One problem that helped contribute to my constant cycle of addiction was not only is alcohol legal, it’s easily one of the most socially acceptable substances in the world. That’s not even scratching the surface on the culture of it.

My story started just like most alcoholics. Although it’s important to warn everyone reading that just because I’m speaking about MY personal experience, this does not mean I expect or assume that all addiction is like mine.

I drank in college and was a social drinker for many years. Then I started drinking wine at home in the evenings like many others. I gradually began to drink excessively and then self-medicated with alcohol when bad things happened in my life.

Thankfully, I never had any legal problems or consequences of my drinking. It was absolutely hurting me and my family (this was prior to motherhood). It became an obvious issue that I was finding more difficult to control. I struggled to deal with it internally because of my own professional identity.

I tried outpatient therapy of course. As a therapist, I had no problem going to counseling at all. Was I completely transparent? I genuinely tried to be.

Was it beneficial to have therapy? Yes. But it wasn’t enough.

I needed exactly what I recommend for clients when necessary. It finally came to the point that I needed a strict, structured environment to get myself healthy, to learn my own ways to cope with my problems instead of stuffing my emotions and having a glass of wine (or 16).

I admitted to myself and my significant other that I wanted to go to treatment. I’ve discussed the experience in its entirety in my blogs: my story and finding purpose. So the rest is history!

But it’s important to acknowledge how much we lie to ourselves.

Even therapists can and do it! We’re no different than a regular person. At our core, we’re all flawed humans, searching for happiness and purpose.

I can now look back at this time in my life with a hopeful, honest and understanding attitude. I’m still hopeful that I’ll continue finding true happiness, yet I’ve never had more purpose than the past few years of sobriety and motherhood, in addition to my passion for my lifelong career as a therapist. If anything, I believe my experience has fueled my ability to reach others. Regardless of our struggles, the connections I build with my clients will always be at the heart of my work as a clinician.

Thank you for reading about my passion and my own recovery! I would love to hear your experience if you’d like to share! One day I hope to publish a book about my experiences as a licensed therapist in recovery!

Xoxo,

New look, same me.

I’ve been wanting to make this site more centered on my blogs and specific ideas. So after changing the look to a more minimalist style and many aspects of it – oh, about 45 million times… I finally settled on this theme/overall look! I wanted something a little prettier, more white, more feminine. I think I was able to express what I had visualized.

Other things:

Career: I’m changing my traveling area gradually closer to my family again (since our move about 8 months ago) and I’m going to focus on gaining more supervisees! Unfortunately this also means I’ve had to transition out of Juvenile Drug Court and Juvenile Offender Program (District Court) which I’d slowly managed to decrease my caseload to very few, so it was perfect timing.

This fall is bringing some pretty amazing changes to my family as well. Our older boy is doing some of his own personal growth that I’ve been ecstatic to see. Honestly, I can say that I’ve never been more proud of him until the recent weeks. He actually brought me to tears today while just speaking about his goals. He is maturing into a young man. We can see his internal changes and I know it would be safe for me to speak for my other half when I say, we are so hopeful about his future that the optimism has never been this strong.

I am celebrating five years with my sweetheart this month. Next month, (in October) I’m celebrating my birthday. The following month, November will be my sobriety anniversary as well!

Along with our exciting celebrations, my pride in our family and of course details that are best left out of this blog, I’m feeling very happy and content. I look around daily and although there’s stressors, moody days and irritability – I know how blessed I really am. We’ve got a special family. We’re succeeding in our goals to be the parents we’re proud to be, despite the normal challenges other families face, and in addition to more intentional boundaries we’ve found to be best for us.

I’m trying my best to stay more balanced with my work, family time, and actually – shocker – SELF-CARE! I’m finding myself reading (by the way I LOVE my book – Girl, Wash Your Face), enjoying my “me time” (insert gazing mindlessly at Instagram or Bravo on my television, during a symphony of boy/man snoring lulls me to sleep). Wait – am I the only person on the planet without Netflix? I guess this is strange to some, but I like the trends I follow, I’m weirdly satisfied with my podcasts and entertainment so I guess I don’t really plan on subscribing anytime soon. *shrug*

Ah. Good ol’ consumerism.

I’m crossing my fingers that my mystery shipment for the month of September will show up any day.

And by that, I totally mean checking religiously multiple times daily plus even direct messaging the company and asking about “checking” on the package… I’m like a child waiting on Santa! I’ve seriously never done anything like this, so I’m beyond obsessed. I don’t have a obsession with makeup enough to order the fabfitfun or maybe birchbox. I’m too picky and strangely miniature to trust personal stylists or stitchfix. I’ve been shopping at Gapkids for 25 years, for Christ’s sake. So this monobox from Shopilovejewelry is the epitome of excitement.

Oh, last thing – anyone buying the newest iPhone XS or iPhone XS Max? I just found out about these and unlike last year, I did NOT preorder like I absolutely couldn’t live without the newest iPhone – no, I am NOT that person. But I’m seriously considering upgrading. I’d love to know more information from readers instead of continuing to research the differences from experts speaking a different language than me.

Thank you for reading!

xoxo

2018 Justice & Recovery Conference

I have a certain responsibility to my license that I must maintain a level of learning each year to provide my clients the best possible psychotherapy available.

After four years of attending a conference specializing in teaching the most current theories and concepts to help children, I had the opportunity to attend the 2018 Justice & Recovery Conference!

For laymen, this is a convention designed to teach professionals (from law enforcement, judges, etc. to treatment providers of all different levels of education and experience). Experts inform the attendees the latest progress, information, legislation as well as a drug-specific treatment focus in our state about specialty courts and recovery for our entire community.

Here are my key points:

I have only occasionally been away from my 3 year old and only actually traveled without him once before so obviously we were a bit nervous that he would have a tough time adjusting to my absence. Obviously I knew that I would have more difficulty than my toddler.

However, my boys and I knew I needed a quick break as this is time I usually don’t have to myself. I absolutely enjoyed the experience and the much needed time with my colleagues, along with likeminded professionals.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many years of conferences that are sponsored by the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse. This one was no different; along with the variety of workshops, seminars and speeches given by informed, educated individuals, they do a great job of keeping the registered participants fed and comfortable.

I actually enjoyed each of the courses I attended but if I had to choose a favorite, it’s definitely a tie between “Hearing Voices” and “Current Drug Trends, Threats and the Elephant in the Room”.

The Current Trends was a workshop that focused on teaching us exactly what is happening in our youth: the drugs they’re doing, how they’re getting them, why they are choosing them and how to spot all the signs from adolescents themselves. It was awesome because it was from the perspective of law enforcement, so it’s fascinating to get information about what is on the streets of our community including the raw details of the people who are responsible. Law enforcement don’t have to be polite about what they see. Treatment providers look at the kids and families from a different angle. It’s important to have a source like police to see the truth and how to hold everyone accountable if we expect to be a vessel for change in our clients.

Hearing voices was by far the most emotional and stimulating workshop I’ve ever had during a conference! It’s purpose was to show us what a person suffering from schizophrenia experiences daily. Wow! I was fascinated with schizophrenia during grad school and seemed to research the disorder every chance I could. This still humbled me and left me feeling intense sadness from the mystery and power of schizophrenia! We got to listen to MP3 players and attempt to complete normal comprehension exercises which showed the depth of its power. I knew textbook information but it left me feeling stunned with how profound schizophrenia truly is.

I got to travel a total of 5 hours in two days, have many fun conversations with articulate people interested in similar ideas, learn a variety of new skills and concepts, PLUS I had the rare opportunity to do a little shopping!! You know me well enough to know that there’s ALWAYS time to SHOP!

I’m going to attach some of my photos that I thought were important or worth capturing. Check out my new work bag! My coworkers all love their bags and swear by Vera Bradley’s quality so I joined the club.

Thanks for reading my thoughts! I hope you enjoyed my summary of the conference and I’d love to hear your thoughts on recovery or your experiences traveling for your career!

Xoxo