Self-Diagnosis of a Therapist

One day I decided I had Bipolar Disorder.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took me quite a bit of thinking and research to get to this conclusion.

I spent so much time considering this, that I literally convinced myself there was no way I couldn’t be suffering from this very serious disorder I’ve unfortunately had to diagnose others in my career.

I’d decided that I needed to be tested in an official capacity and probably most-likely medicated because I truly believed in this self-diagnosis.

Keep in mind, I’d read my DSM (“Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders IV TR” back then) from front to back during school and multiple times after I’d obtained my Master’s degree. I knew more than I was giving myself credit for at the time.

Here’s my secret about my diagnosis…

I was lying to myself. I was lying to my family and to my friends. I’d been able to half-convince myself, but the truth lurking underneath the surface was eating me alive.

My true diagnosis was a very ugly sounding one. It’s bizarre because Bipolar doesn’t sound too pretty! However, in my very sick brain, it somehow sounded better! (The brain is utterly powerful.) Plus, if I’m being completely honest, a therapist has a very serious responsibility. It’s an extremely humbling experience and difficult task to admit that my disorder was Alcohol Dependency then follow through with treatment, rather than accept a diagnosis that would fit all the symptoms of a less ‘behavioral’ problem.

So I kept lying to myself.

This – my friends, is called denial.

The craziest part is that I’ve found this dilemma in my professional career for those that I serve as well. It’s not a shock to those in this profession that one disorder can be disguised as another.

Addiction is a very manipulative disease.

Addicts are often manipulated by addiction and manipulate others in the process.

I know looking back, that I am a true addict and always will be considered an addict. The reason I know this now is that I finally reached my rock bottom, reached out for help, and then actually accepted the treatment. Most importantly, I followed through with treatment and saw the changes in myself and my life. Eventually I had changed so much that I was able to forgive myself for all the lying but it took a very long road to get there.

Knowing my track record of going back to my this casual idea of drinking wine when I’d get home from work, and justifying this as a normal behavior that millions of others also do, really created a self-defeating pattern that made it difficult to stand proud of myself, my internal confidence & dignity and even practice as an ethical licensed therapist.

One problem that helped contribute to my constant cycle of addiction was not only is alcohol legal, it’s easily one of the most socially acceptable substances in the world. That’s not even scratching the surface on the culture of it.

My story started just like most alcoholics. Although it’s important to warn everyone reading that just because I’m speaking about MY personal experience, this does not mean I expect or assume that all addiction is like mine.

I drank in college and was a social drinker for many years. Then I started drinking wine at home in the evenings like many others. I gradually began to drink excessively and then self-medicated with alcohol when bad things happened in my life.

Thankfully, I never had any legal problems or consequences of my drinking. It was absolutely hurting me and my family (this was prior to motherhood). It became an obvious issue that I was finding more difficult to control. I struggled to deal with it internally because of my own professional identity.

I tried outpatient therapy of course. As a therapist, I had no problem going to counseling at all. Was I completely transparent? I genuinely tried to be.

Was it beneficial to have therapy? Yes. But it wasn’t enough.

I needed exactly what I recommend for clients when necessary. It finally came to the point that I needed a strict, structured environment to get myself healthy, to learn my own ways to cope with my problems instead of stuffing my emotions and having a glass of wine (or 16).

I admitted to myself and my significant other that I wanted to go to treatment. I’ve discussed the experience in its entirety in my blogs: my story and finding purpose. So the rest is history!

But it’s important to acknowledge how much we lie to ourselves.

Even therapists can and do it! We’re no different than a regular person. At our core, we’re all flawed humans, searching for happiness and purpose.

I can now look back at this time in my life with a hopeful, honest and understanding attitude. I’m still hopeful that I’ll continue finding true happiness, yet I’ve never had more purpose than the past few years of sobriety and motherhood, in addition to my passion for my lifelong career as a therapist. If anything, I believe my experience has fueled my ability to reach others. Regardless of our struggles, the connections I build with my clients will always be at the heart of my work as a clinician.

Thank you for reading about my passion and my own recovery! I would love to hear your experience if you’d like to share! One day I hope to publish a book about my experiences as a licensed therapist in recovery!

Xoxo,

2018 Justice & Recovery Conference

I have a certain responsibility to my license that I must maintain a level of learning each year to provide my clients the best possible psychotherapy available.

After four years of attending a conference specializing in teaching the most current theories and concepts to help children, I had the opportunity to attend the 2018 Justice & Recovery Conference!

For laymen, this is a convention designed to teach professionals (from law enforcement, judges, etc. to treatment providers of all different levels of education and experience). Experts inform the attendees the latest progress, information, legislation as well as a drug-specific treatment focus in our state about specialty courts and recovery for our entire community.

Here are my key points:

I have only occasionally been away from my 3 year old and only actually traveled without him once before so obviously we were a bit nervous that he would have a tough time adjusting to my absence. Obviously I knew that I would have more difficulty than my toddler.

However, my boys and I knew I needed a quick break as this is time I usually don’t have to myself. I absolutely enjoyed the experience and the much needed time with my colleagues, along with likeminded professionals.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many years of conferences that are sponsored by the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse. This one was no different; along with the variety of workshops, seminars and speeches given by informed, educated individuals, they do a great job of keeping the registered participants fed and comfortable.

I actually enjoyed each of the courses I attended but if I had to choose a favorite, it’s definitely a tie between “Hearing Voices” and “Current Drug Trends, Threats and the Elephant in the Room”.

The Current Trends was a workshop that focused on teaching us exactly what is happening in our youth: the drugs they’re doing, how they’re getting them, why they are choosing them and how to spot all the signs from adolescents themselves. It was awesome because it was from the perspective of law enforcement, so it’s fascinating to get information about what is on the streets of our community including the raw details of the people who are responsible. Law enforcement don’t have to be polite about what they see. Treatment providers look at the kids and families from a different angle. It’s important to have a source like police to see the truth and how to hold everyone accountable if we expect to be a vessel for change in our clients.

Hearing voices was by far the most emotional and stimulating workshop I’ve ever had during a conference! It’s purpose was to show us what a person suffering from schizophrenia experiences daily. Wow! I was fascinated with schizophrenia during grad school and seemed to research the disorder every chance I could. This still humbled me and left me feeling intense sadness from the mystery and power of schizophrenia! We got to listen to MP3 players and attempt to complete normal comprehension exercises which showed the depth of its power. I knew textbook information but it left me feeling stunned with how profound schizophrenia truly is.

I got to travel a total of 5 hours in two days, have many fun conversations with articulate people interested in similar ideas, learn a variety of new skills and concepts, PLUS I had the rare opportunity to do a little shopping!! You know me well enough to know that there’s ALWAYS time to SHOP!

I’m going to attach some of my photos that I thought were important or worth capturing. Check out my new work bag! My coworkers all love their bags and swear by Vera Bradley’s quality so I joined the club.

Thanks for reading my thoughts! I hope you enjoyed my summary of the conference and I’d love to hear your thoughts on recovery or your experiences traveling for your career!

Xoxo

Fun facts you may not know about… dun-dun-dun, me: The Inspired Therapist!

Since it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted a blog, and I – of course, have yet to finish all the drafts on more interesting topics, I had to come back with a bang about yours truly! I hope you enjoy some insight and stick around for a new update post, as well as a new pop culture series!

How about a top 10 list! Let’s begin.

1. I am passionate and very proud to be a licensed therapist (duh) *wink, wink* – but what you may not know is that I also hold my undergraduate degree in business! As strange as it sounds, at a young age I planned to be a female executive or own a company. My family would be first to admit I was known for my bossy attitude. So I decided I would go to business school and chase my dream to be an entrepreneur. I was hooked when I took my first management course in college but after I obtained my first degree, I realized that what I’d truly loved learning is the ‘psychology’ of managing people. Not the business side of people. No financial stuff. No accounting, no variable cost ratio. No NUMBERS – just people. People were my “thing”… Hence, going to graduate school back to my psych roots and the rest is history!
2. I was born a nurturer and deep inside, destined to be a mother. However, the headstrong academic side of me knew I needed many years of education (and some growth/life experience) before I was ready for parenthood. Looking back on those years, I realize now that I was experiencing a very specific process that prepared me to become the mother God created me to be. All of the ups and downs, all of the work as a children’s therapist, even the difficulty of navigating relationships with people and substances-my heart could never have been more understanding to what a mother had to possess until I was given a child. I’m now a firm believer in timing, faith and divine reasoning.
3. I am now in my fourth year of sobriety. I choose to be a sober mother. Now. I may change my mind one day in the future, but for these years I look back and feel such pride and purpose as my child’s mother. For me personally, the meaning of that time is immeasurable.
4. I am an only child. This may be the reason my loving hubby says I’m spoiled… I don’t totally disagree with that, however it doesn’t mean that I’m superficial, or by any means shallow. I admit I’m a bit high maintenance and definitely like nice things! I just hope to teach my children hard work ethic in addition to enjoying nicer possessions. And more importantly than anything I hope that I’m teaching my kids nothing on the planet is more important than the relationships with people we love and respect.
5. If you read this blog, you’re probably aware that growth is crucial for my life goals. I’ve changed so much throughout my years- hopefully in positive ways, even maturing in political beliefs! I used to identify as almost a bleeding heart liberal but I have become very conservative over the years. It would be too much detail if I went into depth but I could summarize my outlook as much of a fiscal libertarian, or a moderate conservative for the past few years in my career and tax bracket.
6. Guilty pleasure alert: I LOVE reality television! My absolute fave channel is Bravo. Basically all that is on Bravo is constant DRAMA! But I love it. I tell my other half to hush when he complains and that as long as I get to watch reality tv, be entertained by other people’s silly drama, we have zero need for it in our life!
7. Speaking of drama, I have finally realized that when someone in my life brings unnecessary negativity, I block them in every way possible! Now I’m fairly sure that it’s evident to those specific folks, I’ve reached a new level of confidence. Why would I allow anyone to cause me or my family pain? If someone wants to criticize my character, as a parent OR ANYTHING for that matter, then they’re no longer in my life or my child’s.
8. I’ve broken more bones than I can count. Yes. Number 8 is that I’m clumsy! The second time I broke my wrist (yes – second), I had to have pins surgically inserted! I once fell off a porch backwards at my first college party, as a brand new sorority member and broke my foot. A few years later I fell going UP a porch and broke my other foot! I’m not making any of this up!
9. I’m chronically late. For everything in my life and to be honest, I’m pretty convinced I have developed ADHD as an adult. I am the queen of starting projects and never finishing, I cannot make a decision for the life of me, and most of all I can’t even make a deadline! Of course, I also have a three year old… at times I feel accomplished just having got dressed from my pajamas. *shrug*
10. Lastly, my one single possession that truly means more to me than any pair of shoes in my closet or my absolute weakness (designer purses) is my beautiful ring. Seriously I’d give up my collections of books, any technology devices, pretty much anything in order to keep my beloved ring. This ring is the most exquisite and incredibly beautiful piece of jewelry I’ve ever been given. It symbolizes our family that we’ve created together despite the challenges we’ve faced. We’ve surpassed the expectations and beat the odds of blended family statistics. Plus I honestly never imagined this man would have the ability to buy me the ring of my dreams! 💗

Stay tuned for more an update blog post next!

Inspired to Blog

One of my favorite parts about my career is – take a guess!

Hint, it’s definitely not the 20 hours of paperwork for a week of providing psychotherapy.

It’s the resulting introspection from the years of spending many hours with people learning about their problems, that forces me to confront mine.

It’s not easy to see some of your problems when you’re spending days and days with other people talking about theirs. It comes with the territory.

THIS is the process that inspired me. It inspired me to start pouring it out of my brain. I had so much to say because I’ve not only been a licensed therapist for many years, I’ve been through tough times AS that therapist that has given me an extremely thankful perspective. I’ve reached points in my career where I had to re-evaluate, be honest with myself, face my own demons, change myself and RE-focus as a person that is CAPABLE of helping others. This also comes with the territory.

You can only deny problems for so long. If you decide to face those issues, quitting bad habits, making a commitment to a spiritual journey, to face those challenges even when you don’t know if you can make it through – you’re able to look back later as a better individual with more VALUABLE experiences in your heart and soul.

I believe this is what has inspired me to not only focus on MORE positive changes and growth, but to give my professional identity exactly what it has given me: VALUE. Education. Research. Commitment, dedication, and ABSOLUTE devotion. If I don’t do this in my life, I can never deserve the benefits I receive daily.

So in effort to make a more valuable blog, that gives not just me satisfaction – but my readers who are taking the time to give me a chance, MORE beneficial SUBSTANCE.

Recovery/sobriety, motherhood/parenting, psychotherapy, supervision for licensure, research, learning, growth and passion are just a FEW of the components that you’ll find in this website to create a more informative, well-rounded and inclusive journey to a better version of myself. I have an obligation to my profession (clients, administrators, support, supervisees, community) and I’ve decided to put it in a public format to hold myself accountable to this unique lifestyle.

I know there’s other mom therapists in the world. Now I’m devoting myself to a niche of that group – mom therapist BLOGGERS. They’re also out there and I can’t wait to find more. I’m excited to learn how to reach my audience more, engage with my readers and be the perfectionist-slacker I am in everything else!

If you are interested in more ways to reach people through blogging and how to not FAIL at the whole experience – check this out:

How to Create Engaging Content

I’ve only just begun researching this and I’m excited to show you more that speaks to me.

Enjoy!

 

Inspired thoughts

I’m the world’s worst at trying to accommodate others – not uncommon in “helping” professionals. More specifically, I’ve noticed some patterns in myself. Those behaviors include being over-apologetic, taking most of the blame or explaining away others mistakes to resolve conflicts quickly and avoid tension.

I’ve noticed that I tend to lead with my flaws, even though I’m a pretty confident person, especially as a therapist which makes me dissect this part of my personality in effort to grow.

My question to you: when is being flexible with others too much?

I find myself being quick to take responsibility for miscommunication between myself and others. It seems like even this is not enough for some, because they take advantage of it and still refuse any accountability. I find myself irritated with other people’s lack of humility.

Why is it so difficult for some to recognize their mistakes or even to acknowledge that they could have accidentally misunderstood, miscommunicated, etc.? I’ve reached my limit with specific people that I’m recognizing as unfair to my kindness. I realize that I’ve got to practice what I preach/teach. I have to be more assertive in some situations. That’s obviously my problem to tackle.

This is my challenge to navigate, which is not impossible. Thankfully I’m self-aware enough to put some effort into this. However, as a therapist I’ve always had a bit of a curse to evaluate the reasoning behind those who choose the position that I continue to encounter in my professional and personal life.

My reason for the blog is inspired from these particular questions after the ideas surfaced in some discussions with my family and friends.

I tend to sense a common trait in the person in this situation and that’s why I’m having the difficulty understanding them.

Maybe it’s just me! Maybe I have been through a journey that’s taught me to show others that I’m a human being capable of making mistakes in a very vital part of introducing one to the idea of therapy. This is probably more of a subconscious process to create collusion and trust. I’ve always been told that people in the the therapeutic process engage with me easily and quickly.

After a lot of thought, I’m seeing that although it seems like it’s strange that this isn’t common sense… many people haven’t realized that it’s a little ridiculous to be critical of others. In 2018 if you have the nerve to be judgmental, do you really think that other people believe the concept you’re attempting to present?

Perfection is NOT possible. In fact, the people so arrogant to assume they always know the answer completely discredit themselves. Especially when they attack others that seem to make them feel threatened.

Every single person is always in a learning process. Those open to the process, are even changing and growing throughout their experiences! Unfortunately, the people that need to be open to that growth or learn ways to be better in general seem to be in denial that they can always improve. The ones that especially bother me are those that have made major mistakes, as a parent (those are at the top of the list because it has affected children) or they’ve hurt other people – they seem to be the ones I’ve noticed in this pattern of behavior the most!

If you’ve ever had a problem with a substance, yes – even those that say “I used to drink too much” or take too much prescription drugs (yes, I know you’ll argue because “hey, it’s prescribed to me”) you have had a problem. This puts you in an addict category. If you’re not familiar with addiction, and seem to have never had any issues-ha! Good for you! We ALL have our weaknesses. Our character flaws. It’s rare that you’ve been able to avoid all mental illness and addiction. I’m not being harsh-it’s just reality. My mantra was for years, “some are sicker than others”. Meaning: great for you that you’ve been blessed to not have to beg for help or forgiveness. But at some point, we all need to.

Either way I’d put money on it that the statistics are high that so many people have, at the very least gone through tough times. These are all my reasons to believe that EVERYONE should have compassion for others.

✌️