Blessings on blessings on blessings.

Remember when I was throwing around the idea of a new camera? I was on the verge of asking for a new DSLR Canon Rebel (which is not completely out of the question) for my birthday, coming this SUNDAY, by the way. I even considered buying it for myself from “my boys”.

I fell in love with the portrait setting on my phone last year and recently found out the newest iPhone has this setting for the front camera as well.

Self-Diagnosis of a Therapist

One day I decided I had Bipolar Disorder.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took me quite a bit of thinking and research to get to this conclusion.

I spent so much time considering this, that I literally convinced myself there was no way I couldn’t be suffering from this very serious disorder I’ve unfortunately had to diagnose others in my career.

I’d decided that I needed to be tested in an official capacity and probably most-likely medicated because I truly believed in this self-diagnosis.

Keep in mind, I’d read my DSM (“Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders IV TR” back then) from front to back during school and multiple times after I’d obtained my Master’s degree. I knew more than I was giving myself credit for at the time.

Here’s my secret about my diagnosis…

I was lying to myself. I was lying to my family and to my friends. I’d been able to half-convince myself, but the truth lurking underneath the surface was eating me alive.

My true diagnosis was a very ugly sounding one. It’s bizarre because Bipolar doesn’t sound too pretty! However, in my very sick brain, it somehow sounded better! (The brain is utterly powerful.) Plus, if I’m being completely honest, a therapist has a very serious responsibility. It’s an extremely humbling experience and difficult task to admit that my disorder was Alcohol Dependency then follow through with treatment, rather than accept a diagnosis that would fit all the symptoms of a less ‘behavioral’ problem.

So I kept lying to myself.

This – my friends, is called denial.

The craziest part is that I’ve found this dilemma in my professional career for those that I serve as well. It’s not a shock to those in this profession that one disorder can be disguised as another.

Addiction is a very manipulative disease.

Addicts are often manipulated by addiction and manipulate others in the process.

I know looking back, that I am a true addict and always will be considered an addict. The reason I know this now is that I finally reached my rock bottom, reached out for help, and then actually accepted the treatment. Most importantly, I followed through with treatment and saw the changes in myself and my life. Eventually I had changed so much that I was able to forgive myself for all the lying but it took a very long road to get there.

Knowing my track record of going back to my this casual idea of drinking wine when I’d get home from work, and justifying this as a normal behavior that millions of others also do, really created a self-defeating pattern that made it difficult to stand proud of myself, my internal confidence & dignity and even practice as an ethical licensed therapist.

One problem that helped contribute to my constant cycle of addiction was not only is alcohol legal, it’s easily one of the most socially acceptable substances in the world. That’s not even scratching the surface on the culture of it.

My story started just like most alcoholics. Although it’s important to warn everyone reading that just because I’m speaking about MY personal experience, this does not mean I expect or assume that all addiction is like mine.

I drank in college and was a social drinker for many years. Then I started drinking wine at home in the evenings like many others. I gradually began to drink excessively and then self-medicated with alcohol when bad things happened in my life.

Thankfully, I never had any legal problems or consequences of my drinking. It was absolutely hurting me and my family (this was prior to motherhood). It became an obvious issue that I was finding more difficult to control. I struggled to deal with it internally because of my own professional identity.

I tried outpatient therapy of course. As a therapist, I had no problem going to counseling at all. Was I completely transparent? I genuinely tried to be.

Was it beneficial to have therapy? Yes. But it wasn’t enough.

I needed exactly what I recommend for clients when necessary. It finally came to the point that I needed a strict, structured environment to get myself healthy, to learn my own ways to cope with my problems instead of stuffing my emotions and having a glass of wine (or 16).

I admitted to myself and my significant other that I wanted to go to treatment. I’ve discussed the experience in its entirety in my blogs: my story and finding purpose. So the rest is history!

But it’s important to acknowledge how much we lie to ourselves.

Even therapists can and do it! We’re no different than a regular person. At our core, we’re all flawed humans, searching for happiness and purpose.

I can now look back at this time in my life with a hopeful, honest and understanding attitude. I’m still hopeful that I’ll continue finding true happiness, yet I’ve never had more purpose than the past few years of sobriety and motherhood, in addition to my passion for my lifelong career as a therapist. If anything, I believe my experience has fueled my ability to reach others. Regardless of our struggles, the connections I build with my clients will always be at the heart of my work as a clinician.

Thank you for reading about my passion and my own recovery! I would love to hear your experience if you’d like to share! One day I hope to publish a book about my experiences as a licensed therapist in recovery!

Xoxo,

2018 Justice & Recovery Conference

I have a certain responsibility to my license that I must maintain a level of learning each year to provide my clients the best possible psychotherapy available.

After four years of attending a conference specializing in teaching the most current theories and concepts to help children, I had the opportunity to attend the 2018 Justice & Recovery Conference!

For laymen, this is a convention designed to teach professionals (from law enforcement, judges, etc. to treatment providers of all different levels of education and experience). Experts inform the attendees the latest progress, information, legislation as well as a drug-specific treatment focus in our state about specialty courts and recovery for our entire community.

Here are my key points:

I have only occasionally been away from my 3 year old and only actually traveled without him once before so obviously we were a bit nervous that he would have a tough time adjusting to my absence. Obviously I knew that I would have more difficulty than my toddler.

However, my boys and I knew I needed a quick break as this is time I usually don’t have to myself. I absolutely enjoyed the experience and the much needed time with my colleagues, along with likeminded professionals.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many years of conferences that are sponsored by the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse. This one was no different; along with the variety of workshops, seminars and speeches given by informed, educated individuals, they do a great job of keeping the registered participants fed and comfortable.

I actually enjoyed each of the courses I attended but if I had to choose a favorite, it’s definitely a tie between “Hearing Voices” and “Current Drug Trends, Threats and the Elephant in the Room”.

The Current Trends was a workshop that focused on teaching us exactly what is happening in our youth: the drugs they’re doing, how they’re getting them, why they are choosing them and how to spot all the signs from adolescents themselves. It was awesome because it was from the perspective of law enforcement, so it’s fascinating to get information about what is on the streets of our community including the raw details of the people who are responsible. Law enforcement don’t have to be polite about what they see. Treatment providers look at the kids and families from a different angle. It’s important to have a source like police to see the truth and how to hold everyone accountable if we expect to be a vessel for change in our clients.

Hearing voices was by far the most emotional and stimulating workshop I’ve ever had during a conference! It’s purpose was to show us what a person suffering from schizophrenia experiences daily. Wow! I was fascinated with schizophrenia during grad school and seemed to research the disorder every chance I could. This still humbled me and left me feeling intense sadness from the mystery and power of schizophrenia! We got to listen to MP3 players and attempt to complete normal comprehension exercises which showed the depth of its power. I knew textbook information but it left me feeling stunned with how profound schizophrenia truly is.

I got to travel a total of 5 hours in two days, have many fun conversations with articulate people interested in similar ideas, learn a variety of new skills and concepts, PLUS I had the rare opportunity to do a little shopping!! You know me well enough to know that there’s ALWAYS time to SHOP!

I’m going to attach some of my photos that I thought were important or worth capturing. Check out my new work bag! My coworkers all love their bags and swear by Vera Bradley’s quality so I joined the club.

Thanks for reading my thoughts! I hope you enjoyed my summary of the conference and I’d love to hear your thoughts on recovery or your experiences traveling for your career!

Xoxo

Mommy Guilt

I’m sorry I’ve been less active on the blog for a while. Well, I’m kinda actually hashtag sorrynotsorry because I have a damn good explanation…

I’m a mom; which is plenty in and of itself, but add onto that list-a working mom. Plus I’m a stepmom, which is so much more complex than I’d ever care to explain. So honestly, I feel like it’s a huge accomplishment that each day I manage to shower, maintain a somewhat professional appearance, keep my focus enough to complete my normal tasks at work excluding the occasional slip-up or slacking/procrastination, and oh, you know the most important thing EVER: keep my family healthy and happy.

For you members of the mom club international, you know that we have to do absolutely a gajillion different things for everyone like we signed a damn lifelong contract to do so.

Sign here: “I, ____ will do my best to keep my children and their father healthy and happy” (yes ma’am sign me up, right?) of course!

Wait.

It continues…

Small print: by making sure from the moment I wake up to the minute I actually close my eyes at night, ha! Good luck sleeping by the way, I will make sure all of their basic needs are met, as well as all of their wants – which will never end throughout the continuous day, and apply appropriate limits and boundaries, using a healthy diet with nutritional value in mind, plus rewarding positive behavior and using a calm voice and on and on and on….

You get the picture, I’m sure.

So yes, I sometimes feel like my head is going to pop off of my body. And yes, I sometimes wonder if I’m doing ANYTHING right.

I feel like a complete failure in all facets of my life at times.

I’m pretty sure every mom on the planet does.

If you don’t – email me and tell me your secrets. Because I gave up a long time ago on being perfect.

It doesn’t keep me from trying every day of the week, though.

Which creates some disappointment in myself.

I planned to give you a mom guilt list but as I write, I don’t feel quite that guilty about any of those things anymore.

The one choice that causes me to continually feel guilt is when I’m typically somewhere between ‘desperate and exhausted’ each night, I have an overwhelming craving to lay in bed and mindlessly scroll Instagram as soon as my family is asleep.

I can feel like supermom but that day still wears me out and no matter how hard I try to get everything done that I plan – I still don’t. This is when I need to admit that I’m trying too hard to be perfect and to just relax and enjoy my alone-mom-time! I know that I should do this, but actually doing it is the difficult part.

There’s nothing wrong with being imperfect! This is what I continue to see in our community, in our world! It has become unacceptable to be less than perfect.

I am what I am. I’m a working momma. I’m not perfect but I’m a damn good mom. I’m not interested in being someone I’m not.

The worst thing we can be is people that pretend to be perfect. At least I admit that I have a designer knockoff at times! I’ll tell you when I buy something fake, I own it. I found out two years later that someone who gave me a bag had pretended this was an authentic designer handbag. Looking back, I’m really not surprised because this person has such a problem pretending she’s perfect, that she believes her own delusion.

Me: all I can do is be me. Every single day. Because I actually like who I am. I’m not perfect and I own it. I admit to my mistakes and flaws. This is what makes me a hell of a therapist that continues to see growth in my career and my clients! So I’ll own the fact that I don’t write nearly as much as I plan, want or need for my own sanity.

But I promise you this-I’m not going to give you an empty promise or a fake handbag! I’ll ALWAYS be me! Love me or hate me, I won’t change for anyone!

I am asked for my professional opinion all the time. The most valuable piece of advice I can give is: be who you are and don’t apologize for it anymore. Moms are way too hard on themselves and we’re all doing the best we can! Be satisfied with that.

Xoxo

It’s Labor Day…

and I’m the only one awake at my house. What a perfect day for a late afternoon nap, right?

All my boys are sawing logs; I’ve accomplished all my chores – you know, laundry, dishes, mopping & vacuuming, so as soon as it’s time to work on my laptop in bed (my favorite way to do my documentation), unfortunately, I’m not able to log in to my EMR (electronic medical record, for you non-therapists out there).

NOT good.

I’m pretty much always content to see an error message as I’m logging in to work (I’m being honest) EXCEPT when I’m SUPER behind – like today. There’s nothing I can do about this problem, so next topic! Let me tell you about what contributed to the problem of getting behind.

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Raise your hand if you live in Oklahoma!

Raise your hand if you (may live in another state but continue to) struggle with outdoor allergies… and absolutely despise the tons of ragweed and pollen flying around outdoors!
Problem number 1: Oklahoma Allergies.

If I could go back and change one thing a week ago I would have taken Benadryl the minute my throat started itching. BUT I didn’t and I feel like a lost a week of my life. I’m still totally congested and taking my medicine but I really feel like I got clotheslined off a  horse last week out of nowhere! It’s been rough! *and I’m a bit dramatic… wink*

Thankfully we’re enjoying the long weekend so I’m getting some extra rest and hoping to get back to normal! I desperately need a productive week to get my confidence up. When something happens out of my control that contributes to my own worst enemy: my.. Problem number 2: Procastination.

THIS HAS BEEN MY BATTLE FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. I take steps forward but I never truly conquer it. I have made improvements over the years, but it still holds me back.

Because I wasn’t expecting to get ill – as in, I had to physically lay in bed which made it difficult to juggle my regular daily responsibilities, I got further behind in my work tasks which made me feel helpless. This is a huge contributor to my own anxiety. In therapy-speak, I’d call “feeling helpless” a ‘trigger’. I’m insightful and self-aware enough to know this but for the week I struggled, there wasn’t much I could do.

So onto SOLUTIONS.

Now, thank goodness I’m starting to rebound, and I have major plans to get back on top. I’ve found some recent motivation in my newest book. It’s called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. Have you heard of this author? She’s got a huge social media platform, is an entrepreneur and most relatable for me – a mommy. I’m usually most interested in autobiographies or memoirs, especially psych-related. Since this is more of a memoir, and it’s super popular, I had a feeling I’d like it! And I do! I’m definitely enjoying it. I’d love to know YOUR thoughts or feedback about this book or other books you recommend.

I’ve also been into podcasts for a long time and have discovered some great ones! Anyone interested in a book or podcast-specific blog? I’d love to share my faves and get some input for my playlist!

Leave me comments and I’ll absolutely participate with you guys!

I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day – I’m hoping I will be able to log in and eventually be able to work this evening. After having a free night without my toddler, lunch with my sweet parents that are always there for us when we need a night off plus an awesome time with our 15 year-old, I definitely feel like I’ve had a SUCCESSFUL weekend!

xoxo

Hope you enjoyed some pictures from the past week or so. Don’t forget to leave a comment about your favorite books and/or podcasts!