Self-Diagnosis of a Therapist

One day I decided I had Bipolar Disorder.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took me quite a bit of thinking and research to get to this conclusion.

I spent so much time considering this, that I literally convinced myself there was no way I couldn’t be suffering from this very serious disorder I’ve unfortunately had to diagnose others in my career.

I’d decided that I needed to be tested in an official capacity and probably most-likely medicated because I truly believed in this self-diagnosis.

Keep in mind, I’d read my DSM (“Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders IV TR” back then) from front to back during school and multiple times after I’d obtained my Master’s degree. I knew more than I was giving myself credit for at the time.

Here’s my secret about my diagnosis…

I was lying to myself. I was lying to my family and to my friends. I’d been able to half-convince myself, but the truth lurking underneath the surface was eating me alive.

My true diagnosis was a very ugly sounding one. It’s bizarre because Bipolar doesn’t sound too pretty! However, in my very sick brain, it somehow sounded better! (The brain is utterly powerful.) Plus, if I’m being completely honest, a therapist has a very serious responsibility. It’s an extremely humbling experience and difficult task to admit that my disorder was Alcohol Dependency then follow through with treatment, rather than accept a diagnosis that would fit all the symptoms of a less ‘behavioral’ problem.

So I kept lying to myself.

This – my friends, is called denial.

The craziest part is that I’ve found this dilemma in my professional career for those that I serve as well. It’s not a shock to those in this profession that one disorder can be disguised as another.

Addiction is a very manipulative disease.

Addicts are often manipulated by addiction and manipulate others in the process.

I know looking back, that I am a true addict and always will be considered an addict. The reason I know this now is that I finally reached my rock bottom, reached out for help, and then actually accepted the treatment. Most importantly, I followed through with treatment and saw the changes in myself and my life. Eventually I had changed so much that I was able to forgive myself for all the lying but it took a very long road to get there.

Knowing my track record of going back to my this casual idea of drinking wine when I’d get home from work, and justifying this as a normal behavior that millions of others also do, really created a self-defeating pattern that made it difficult to stand proud of myself, my internal confidence & dignity and even practice as an ethical licensed therapist.

One problem that helped contribute to my constant cycle of addiction was not only is alcohol legal, it’s easily one of the most socially acceptable substances in the world. That’s not even scratching the surface on the culture of it.

My story started just like most alcoholics. Although it’s important to warn everyone reading that just because I’m speaking about MY personal experience, this does not mean I expect or assume that all addiction is like mine.

I drank in college and was a social drinker for many years. Then I started drinking wine at home in the evenings like many others. I gradually began to drink excessively and then self-medicated with alcohol when bad things happened in my life.

Thankfully, I never had any legal problems or consequences of my drinking. It was absolutely hurting me and my family (this was prior to motherhood). It became an obvious issue that I was finding more difficult to control. I struggled to deal with it internally because of my own professional identity.

I tried outpatient therapy of course. As a therapist, I had no problem going to counseling at all. Was I completely transparent? I genuinely tried to be.

Was it beneficial to have therapy? Yes. But it wasn’t enough.

I needed exactly what I recommend for clients when necessary. It finally came to the point that I needed a strict, structured environment to get myself healthy, to learn my own ways to cope with my problems instead of stuffing my emotions and having a glass of wine (or 16).

I admitted to myself and my significant other that I wanted to go to treatment. I’ve discussed the experience in its entirety in my blogs: my story and finding purpose. So the rest is history!

But it’s important to acknowledge how much we lie to ourselves.

Even therapists can and do it! We’re no different than a regular person. At our core, we’re all flawed humans, searching for happiness and purpose.

I can now look back at this time in my life with a hopeful, honest and understanding attitude. I’m still hopeful that I’ll continue finding true happiness, yet I’ve never had more purpose than the past few years of sobriety and motherhood, in addition to my passion for my lifelong career as a therapist. If anything, I believe my experience has fueled my ability to reach others. Regardless of our struggles, the connections I build with my clients will always be at the heart of my work as a clinician.

Thank you for reading about my passion and my own recovery! I would love to hear your experience if you’d like to share! One day I hope to publish a book about my experiences as a licensed therapist in recovery!

Xoxo,

New look, same me.

I’ve been wanting to make this site more centered on my blogs and specific ideas. So after changing the look to a more minimalist style and many aspects of it – oh, about 45 million times… I finally settled on this theme/overall look! I wanted something a little prettier, more white, more feminine. I think I was able to express what I had visualized.

Other things:

Career: I’m changing my traveling area gradually closer to my family again (since our move about 8 months ago) and I’m going to focus on gaining more supervisees! Unfortunately this also means I’ve had to transition out of Juvenile Drug Court and Juvenile Offender Program (District Court) which I’d slowly managed to decrease my caseload to very few, so it was perfect timing.

This fall is bringing some pretty amazing changes to my family as well. Our older boy is doing some of his own personal growth that I’ve been ecstatic to see. Honestly, I can say that I’ve never been more proud of him until the recent weeks. He actually brought me to tears today while just speaking about his goals. He is maturing into a young man. We can see his internal changes and I know it would be safe for me to speak for my other half when I say, we are so hopeful about his future that the optimism has never been this strong.

I am celebrating five years with my sweetheart this month. Next month, (in October) I’m celebrating my birthday. The following month, November will be my sobriety anniversary as well!

Along with our exciting celebrations, my pride in our family and of course details that are best left out of this blog, I’m feeling very happy and content. I look around daily and although there’s stressors, moody days and irritability – I know how blessed I really am. We’ve got a special family. We’re succeeding in our goals to be the parents we’re proud to be, despite the normal challenges other families face, and in addition to more intentional boundaries we’ve found to be best for us.

I’m trying my best to stay more balanced with my work, family time, and actually – shocker – SELF-CARE! I’m finding myself reading (by the way I LOVE my book – Girl, Wash Your Face), enjoying my “me time” (insert gazing mindlessly at Instagram or Bravo on my television, during a symphony of boy/man snoring lulls me to sleep). Wait – am I the only person on the planet without Netflix? I guess this is strange to some, but I like the trends I follow, I’m weirdly satisfied with my podcasts and entertainment so I guess I don’t really plan on subscribing anytime soon. *shrug*

Ah. Good ol’ consumerism.

I’m crossing my fingers that my mystery shipment for the month of September will show up any day.

And by that, I totally mean checking religiously multiple times daily plus even direct messaging the company and asking about “checking” on the package… I’m like a child waiting on Santa! I’ve seriously never done anything like this, so I’m beyond obsessed. I don’t have a obsession with makeup enough to order the fabfitfun or maybe birchbox. I’m too picky and strangely miniature to trust personal stylists or stitchfix. I’ve been shopping at Gapkids for 25 years, for Christ’s sake. So this monobox from Shopilovejewelry is the epitome of excitement.

Oh, last thing – anyone buying the newest iPhone XS or iPhone XS Max? I just found out about these and unlike last year, I did NOT preorder like I absolutely couldn’t live without the newest iPhone – no, I am NOT that person. But I’m seriously considering upgrading. I’d love to know more information from readers instead of continuing to research the differences from experts speaking a different language than me.

Thank you for reading!

xoxo

Inspired to Blog

One of my favorite parts about my career is – take a guess!

Hint, it’s definitely not the 20 hours of paperwork for a week of providing psychotherapy.

It’s the resulting introspection from the years of spending many hours with people learning about their problems, that forces me to confront mine.

It’s not easy to see some of your problems when you’re spending days and days with other people talking about theirs. It comes with the territory.

THIS is the process that inspired me. It inspired me to start pouring it out of my brain. I had so much to say because I’ve not only been a licensed therapist for many years, I’ve been through tough times AS that therapist that has given me an extremely thankful perspective. I’ve reached points in my career where I had to re-evaluate, be honest with myself, face my own demons, change myself and RE-focus as a person that is CAPABLE of helping others. This also comes with the territory.

You can only deny problems for so long. If you decide to face those issues, quitting bad habits, making a commitment to a spiritual journey, to face those challenges even when you don’t know if you can make it through – you’re able to look back later as a better individual with more VALUABLE experiences in your heart and soul.

I believe this is what has inspired me to not only focus on MORE positive changes and growth, but to give my professional identity exactly what it has given me: VALUE. Education. Research. Commitment, dedication, and ABSOLUTE devotion. If I don’t do this in my life, I can never deserve the benefits I receive daily.

So in effort to make a more valuable blog, that gives not just me satisfaction – but my readers who are taking the time to give me a chance, MORE beneficial SUBSTANCE.

Recovery/sobriety, motherhood/parenting, psychotherapy, supervision for licensure, research, learning, growth and passion are just a FEW of the components that you’ll find in this website to create a more informative, well-rounded and inclusive journey to a better version of myself. I have an obligation to my profession (clients, administrators, support, supervisees, community) and I’ve decided to put it in a public format to hold myself accountable to this unique lifestyle.

I know there’s other mom therapists in the world. Now I’m devoting myself to a niche of that group – mom therapist BLOGGERS. They’re also out there and I can’t wait to find more. I’m excited to learn how to reach my audience more, engage with my readers and be the perfectionist-slacker I am in everything else!

If you are interested in more ways to reach people through blogging and how to not FAIL at the whole experience – check this out:

How to Create Engaging Content

I’ve only just begun researching this and I’m excited to show you more that speaks to me.

Enjoy!

 

Inspired thoughts

I’m the world’s worst at trying to accommodate others – not uncommon in “helping” professionals. More specifically, I’ve noticed some patterns in myself. Those behaviors include being over-apologetic, taking most of the blame or explaining away others mistakes to resolve conflicts quickly and avoid tension.

I’ve noticed that I tend to lead with my flaws, even though I’m a pretty confident person, especially as a therapist which makes me dissect this part of my personality in effort to grow.

My question to you: when is being flexible with others too much?

I find myself being quick to take responsibility for miscommunication between myself and others. It seems like even this is not enough for some, because they take advantage of it and still refuse any accountability. I find myself irritated with other people’s lack of humility.

Why is it so difficult for some to recognize their mistakes or even to acknowledge that they could have accidentally misunderstood, miscommunicated, etc.? I’ve reached my limit with specific people that I’m recognizing as unfair to my kindness. I realize that I’ve got to practice what I preach/teach. I have to be more assertive in some situations. That’s obviously my problem to tackle.

This is my challenge to navigate, which is not impossible. Thankfully I’m self-aware enough to put some effort into this. However, as a therapist I’ve always had a bit of a curse to evaluate the reasoning behind those who choose the position that I continue to encounter in my professional and personal life.

My reason for the blog is inspired from these particular questions after the ideas surfaced in some discussions with my family and friends.

I tend to sense a common trait in the person in this situation and that’s why I’m having the difficulty understanding them.

Maybe it’s just me! Maybe I have been through a journey that’s taught me to show others that I’m a human being capable of making mistakes in a very vital part of introducing one to the idea of therapy. This is probably more of a subconscious process to create collusion and trust. I’ve always been told that people in the the therapeutic process engage with me easily and quickly.

After a lot of thought, I’m seeing that although it seems like it’s strange that this isn’t common sense… many people haven’t realized that it’s a little ridiculous to be critical of others. In 2018 if you have the nerve to be judgmental, do you really think that other people believe the concept you’re attempting to present?

Perfection is NOT possible. In fact, the people so arrogant to assume they always know the answer completely discredit themselves. Especially when they attack others that seem to make them feel threatened.

Every single person is always in a learning process. Those open to the process, are even changing and growing throughout their experiences! Unfortunately, the people that need to be open to that growth or learn ways to be better in general seem to be in denial that they can always improve. The ones that especially bother me are those that have made major mistakes, as a parent (those are at the top of the list because it has affected children) or they’ve hurt other people – they seem to be the ones I’ve noticed in this pattern of behavior the most!

If you’ve ever had a problem with a substance, yes – even those that say “I used to drink too much” or take too much prescription drugs (yes, I know you’ll argue because “hey, it’s prescribed to me”) you have had a problem. This puts you in an addict category. If you’re not familiar with addiction, and seem to have never had any issues-ha! Good for you! We ALL have our weaknesses. Our character flaws. It’s rare that you’ve been able to avoid all mental illness and addiction. I’m not being harsh-it’s just reality. My mantra was for years, “some are sicker than others”. Meaning: great for you that you’ve been blessed to not have to beg for help or forgiveness. But at some point, we all need to.

Either way I’d put money on it that the statistics are high that so many people have, at the very least gone through tough times. These are all my reasons to believe that EVERYONE should have compassion for others.

✌️

Mommy’s baby…

Is TURNING THREE!!!

It’s so bittersweet.

I have a very special bond with him that I’m sure other parents know and feel with their children. I was so lost when God gave me my son. I told my little boy yesterday (I realize that his understanding of this information is limited) that mommy and daddy prayed for him before he was born. Right when God had brought me to the point that I was ready, boom! I found out he was growing inside me!

The rest is history!

I’ve never in my life felt more complete, truly happy and full of deep love. There’s nothing like the feelings that come with parenthood. I can’t even describe how thankful I feel daily. Each time I find myself upset about anything at all, I’m reminded of how amazing life is because of my baby boy.

I hope he feels extra special this year! I’ve never worked close enough to his daycare to run over mid-day to surprise him. I’m going to shower him with lots of love and attention in the morning, bring cupcakes to his class, then the whole family will be at the lake in a cabin for the weekend to celebrate! We’ve got lots of exciting details planned for our big 3 year old!

I’ll be posting lots of photos, I promise!

Xoxo

Amy